Which, you know, isn’t surprising, since I’m an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a mystery.

Also, I’m super picky when it comes to clothes.

I decided to try Stitch Fix after it came highly recommended. I’ve received two boxes. I liked two pieces out of the first. I liked only one out of the second. And I kinda feel like we’re going backwards, and it’s probably all my fault.


So, I don’t like clothes that are too “trendy,” or revealing, or old-lady-ish, or boring, or itchy, or uncomfortable. I also don’t like patterns, heels, anything that requires a strapless bra, or anything yellow (because I’m “olive-complected” which basically means I look like I have major jaundice when I wear yellow). Are you beginning to see the problem here?

The way Stitch Fix works is you fill out a style profile then write a note to your “stylist” specifically telling them what you like / don’t like. And they basically don’t allow enough characters for me to fully explain to these people why I won’t wear 98% of the clothes they send me. And how they must figure out a way to read my mind.

The truth is, I’m actually really impressed with the business itself: It’s thorough, generally cost-saving, and the clothes are of a good quality. I’m just a picky-ass bitch with a mild spandex allergy who doesn’t want to tug at her clothes all day long. And who wants pockets. On everything.

Behold, my last “note” to my “stylist”:

Hi. Okay, I realize that in my last note I said I was pretty open to everything, but it turns out I was lying. Not on purpose, of course. I’m sorry for everything in advance, btw. You should probably ask to be transferred to a different client now, because I’m a nightmare. Anyway, I’m not sure at what point you guys just cut us off, roll your eyes, and throw in the towel, but I may end up being your breaking point. In regards to the last box you sent me:

  1. Plaid. No. Please. Never.
  2. I love the IDEA of off-the-shoulder tops, but in practice, they are a serious pain in the ass. I also feel like I can’t / shouldn’t raise my arms else said top will fly completely off.
  3. I realize my profile says I’m 40, but I’m a “young” 40. Oh God, you hear that all the time, don’t you? You’re probably 23 and rolling your eyes right now, going, “Right. A young 40. Ha ha.” I get it. But seriously, no more paisley. Please. I’m 40, not 95.

FINE, that wasn’t really my note. I’m too nice (and passive-aggressive) to actually send that. My note was way more vague, sweet, and really no guidance whatsoever. Nonetheless, I am not giving up just yet. (Somewhere, several 20-something Stitch Fix stylists groaned in unison and cracked open the Chardonnay). On the upside, I have a sewing machine now and will eventually be able to sew my own clothes. So screw Stitch Fix. I’ll stitch your fix myself. Riiight…

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