There are certain words that I simply cannot say in Nora’s presence without sending her into a wild-eyed frenzy. “Cookie,” “ice cream,” or “candy,” for example. I can’t even utter these words in passing, even if I speak quickly or in a whisper. The little rodent has this hearing super power that, not surprisingly, doesn’t work when I say words like “come here.” Thus, when I need to keep her from understanding what I’m talking about, I’ve had to resort to spelling out the words. When Nora was younger and only understood a handful of words, this was fairly easy, even for a retard like me. As she’s gotten older and her vocabulary has expanded, however, I’ve found myself struggling to spell out words that, quite honestly, require far too much thinking on my part.

Yesterday, I had a revelation: I can’t spell worth shit. Not on the spot, out loud, and without my handy-dandy “Internets” at the ready, anyway. Two occurrences brought me into the Light. In the first one, Bertha was telling me about an episode involving her daughter, “Emily,” while trying not to trigger a conniption fit. She was spelling out every other word, practically, and was spelling them at super-sonic speed.

Bertha: Omygod, we were at the p-l-a-y-g-r-o-u-n-d when Emily decided she wanted this kid’s b-i-c-y-c-l-e and started crying so I had to distract her by giving her a p-o-p-s-i-c-l-e and when we got home I let her watch like five hours of t-e-l-e-v-i-s-i-o-n…

ME, still trying to figure out the first word she spelled out: Uh… Yeah…

Bertha, apparently, was a spelling bee champ in school. At least that’s what I told myself at the time to make myself feel better.

THEN yesterday TH basically confirmed that I am, in fact, a raging moron.

TH: So do you want to take the girls s-w-i-m-m-i-n-g?

ME: Uh…f…w…

TH: Because if so, I need to get a new s-w-i-m-s-u-i-t.

ME: Wait. f…w…

TH, rolling his eyes and walking away: Jesus Christ.

Look, people, I may be stoopid, but at a certain point, spelling everything out is just going to get tedious, even for you Bobby Fischers out there. (Yes, I know Bobby Fischer was a chess champ, not a spelling champ, but can you name any famous spellers off the top of your head? I didn’t think so. Which goes to show you what people think of good spellers. Bitch.) We need to come up with something else, like, say, speaking Pig Latin. “Let’s go to the immingsway oolpay.”

Come to think of it, that may not fly with my sleep- (and oxygen-) deprived brain either.

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