Date: 2008
Children: One newborn (“Ava”), one toddler (“Nora”)

(You had to know it wouldn’t be long before this topic came up again. My “feces” tag was getting too much competition from the “meltdowns” tag. I HAD to do something.)

The downside to having off-white carpet all over the house is that, well, it’s off-white. Not only is carpet disgusting (in my humble opinion), housing God knows what kind of filth and tiny critters, but stains appear on it if you merely stare at it for too long.

The upside to having off-white carpet is that feces can be seen from several yards away. This is assuming, of course, that your child (or husband – hey, I don’t judge) has not eaten chalk recently. The chances of stepping on a turd or of your children of the crawling kind eating said turd before you get to it are slim(mer). I must warn you, however, that getting the turd stain out of the carpet is near impossible, and someday you will point it out to your child’s boyfriend (girlfriend) and sigh fondly. “That’s where Little Precious shat on the carpet. Ah, it feels like just yesterday…”

So I’m potty training Nora bit by bit rather than all “in a day” and have set the potty out in the living room for her convenience. I am assuming that this makes it easier for her to get to the potty quickly when the urge strikes, and therefore minimizes the number of accidents. This assumption depends on her ATTEMPTING to get to the potty at all, and not getting OFF the potty mid-shit.

The problem is that the TV is also in the living room, and if that thing is on, Nora FORGETS to gether happy little tush to the potty. Ok, let me rephrase that: She remembers as the pee trickles down her leg. Let me just say, potty training gives a whole new meaning to the preschool show “Toot & Puddle.”I’m beginning to wonder if it has hypnotic effects on Nora, subliminally telling her to “toot and puddle”all over the floor.

Truth is, she’s starting to catch on, and she is having fewer accidents with time. Unfortunately, by the time I finish potty training Ava a couple years down the road, my carpet will have seen its final days. Jesus, it’s seen its final days ALREADY (if I’m honest with myself), but TH keeps insisting it’s fine. We’ll just keep rearranging the furniture to hide the stains, and yes, we LIKE having the coffee table BEHIND the couch. It’s the new fad in interior design. For serious.

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